It was a few years ago that my therapist told me: “Aranka, maybe you just need to accept that you don’t like this life.” I thought it was a dramatic statement, but I also knew the truth of it. I was trying to keep my head above the water. I was not letting myself sink. I was afraid of the deep, dark depths of that murky water. But this avoidance of what I was actually feeling cost me a tremendous amount of energy. On top of that I had a billion judgments on my incapability to thrive in this modern society.
Now, years later, the world has gone more out of balance. Extremes have grown bigger, fear is more tangible than ever. Waters have been stirred by turmoil. Yet, I have not drowned.
On the contrary – I am thriving.
It has been the extremity of the global situation, combined with a lot of inner work, that has made me realize, deep in my being, that is was never me who was messing up. I was never me who was incapable. It was not my fault I was rootless and confused. I am living in a world that has forgotten its purpose. I am living in a society that does not know belonging. I came to feel the roots of trauma this society is founded on. I can see the daily destruction because we got dissociated from our earthly bodies.
But instead of falling into judgment and fear, I can more and more often find a state of compassion in myself. I have dropped my fighting sword, and have found a space to welcome the pain. Pain is an unpopular word, still. Yet feeling the depths of our suffering is the only way in and through the murky water towards clarity and compassion. The diamonds are buried deep in the shit, and that’s….well, shit. But it’s the truth and therefore always easier – and more fulfilling – than a phony cover up.
What touches me so deeply, is that I see more and more people around me rise. Rise to their own truth. Rise to the truth beyond belief. Rise to a deeper understanding of who they are.
We shall only stay sane by accepting the insanity of life. Then, we draw our force from within our own being, instead of using our power to fight against the very thing we are: life.
I the case that you are where I was some time ago: in despair, I wish you faith, courage and wisdom. My advice would be: find support. Be around people, and let yourself supported by people, who can hold the light when you can’t. People who stand next to you when you give in and let yourself be taken by the darkness. People who inspire you to follow your own inner guidance. And then: allow yourself to not know. To be utterly confused, to lose all you thought was true. Until you find a truth that is unmistakably true beyond your preferences and opinion.
Do not fear the insane. Somewhere deep down, a seed of life is always sprouting in the darkness.
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